The Last Laugh
by YouBlitheringIdiot
Summary: In which James is very embarrassing and embarrassed, but things work out much better than they should, mostly thanks to Remus...


The Last Laugh

"I am NOT going as a turkey, Professor!" James Potter protested loudly, glaring at the Head of Gryffindor House and pouting.

"No choice, I've transfigured you already. You might have thought about that before you jinxed Rosier and Avery on Wednesday and made them cry," sniffed Mc Gonagall, looking at him wholly unmoved.

Sirius' eyes expanded rapidly and he rubbed his hands with glee.

"They actually cried?" he said, a far-away look in his eyes. "Merlin, Prongs, I could kiss you, you wonderful, glorious idiot!"

"Mr. Black!" warned Mc Gonagall, handing James a basket full of raffle tickets.

"Considering you jinxed them for calling Mary and Benjy mudbloods, I think you should have received house points!" said Sirius, blatantly ignoring Mc Gonagall's stern look.

"Is that correct, Potter?" asked Mc Gonagall, looking at James with a different expression.

"Yeah?" James said defensively, trying to cross his arms.

As his arms had been transfigured into turkey wings, he was very unsuccessful. Remus snorted and bit the side of his mouth to stop himself laughing. James scowled at him, the basket tucked under his wing. Mc Gonagall sighed wearily and opened her tin of Scottish Shortbread.

"Have a biscuit, Potter," she said.

"Oh. Right," said James, trying to remain cross, unsuccessfully, and trying to grab hold of the biscuit (also unsuccessfully).

"Remus jinxed them too, but failed to get caught," said Sirius proudly, winking at Remus (who turned a bright red tinge) as he stuck three biscuits in James' mouth.

"Have a biscuit, Lupin," Mc Gonagall said, rolling her eyes.

Remus grinned. She was smiling at him, kindly.

"And I helped too," said Sirius, smiling at Mc Gonagall with a confident swagger.

"Oh yes?" she said dryly. "What incredibly intelligent thing did you do?"

"I, er, well," he stopped, Minnie might not have approved of him hexing them in the arse.

"He hexed them in the arse in the first place, great shot, complex spellwork!" said James proudly, and Sirius grinned back.

"Unhelpful," muttered Remus.

"They fired two Burning Blemish Curses at James' face!" squeaked Peter, emerging from behind Remus. "Nearly got his eye!"

Mc Gonagall's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Hm, and why, pray, did Rosier and Avery not get detention?" she asked.

"They should have!" said James looking mutinous. "Greengrass maintains she didn't see them."

"Lying cow!" said Sirius hotly.

"You will not talk about the Head Girl like that, Sirius Black!" said Mc Gonagall, sounding very half-hearted.

Peter stared at the biscuits. Sirius' hand strayed over the tin.

"May I?" he said in his politest, poshest voice.

Mc Gonagall rolled her eyes again and nodded, shaking her head at Sirius and Peter.

"A biscuit, not five!" she scolded, shooing them all out of the door. "You better raise a decent amount of money for that new hospital wing, Mr. Potter! The Hogwarts Autumn Fair is one of their main fund-raisers!"

"Yesh Proshessher!" said James, a fourth shortbread sticking out of his mouth.

….

"This is so fucking embarrassing!" hissed James, kicking the stone wall with his toes. "I'm going to die! Literally die!"

"Tosh!" said Sirius lightly. "It's physically impossible to embarrass you, Prongs."

"Not when I look like this, and she's coming over!" said James, groaning out loud and turning to face the wall. "Hide me! Where's the bloody cloak?"

"Who?" said Sirius, looking around eagerly. "Oh! Her!"

He grinned wickedly.

"Shut up!" said James.

Sirius snorted. James did look ridiculously stupid, with his huge feathery legs and wings and his neck in particular.

"Did you know that the red fleshy bit hanging off a turkey's neck, well your neck too, is called a snood?" asked Remus conversationally, biting the side of his lip, and smiling at Sirius.

"Fuck. Off!" said James, trying to kick Remus with his turkey toes and landing on his backside.

Peter, who had been holding it together precariously till then, roared with laughter.

"Well hello, James, my dear!" said Dorcas Meadows, laughing. "Can I buy a raffle ticket off you, please?"

James glared at her smirking face from where he sat on the ground.

"No. Bugger off!" he huffed, his face puce as he desperately tried to avoid looking at Lily Evans.

"Huh!" said Lily, folding her arms and looking at James in a contemplative manner. "And there was I thinking for once you had done something worthwhile, looking like an idiot for a good cause."

"You mean rather than looking like an idiot full stop, as usual?" asked Sirius, tossing his silky hair and smirking pleasantly.

Lily shrugged nonchalantly.

"Close enough," she said coolly.

James struggled to stand up, practically toppling on top of Lily, causing his traitorous mates to burst out laughing like the bastards they were.

"Er, yeah, well, I'm collecting. For a good cause. Raffle, and all that," he said awkwardly, shoving the basket towards her.

"I know that!" Lily rolled her eyes and snorted. "You're such an idiot, Potter!"

"It's to raise money for the victims of Voldemort's attacks," said Remus, removing a wad of tickets from the basket and taking Lily's money. "He also stood up to Rosier and Avery for bullying muggleborns."

"Oh," said Dorcas, smiling warmly at James and patting his feathery wing. "Nice one, Potter!"

James ran a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed, and glancing sideways at Lily.

"They're wankers," he shrugged awkwardly.

"They definitely are," said Lily smiling at James.

"YOU AGREED WITH SOMETHING JAMES SAID!" Sirius whisper-yelled in amazement.

Lily rolled her eyes and hit Sirius with her pointy elbow.

"Seen anything you fancy at the fair so far, Evans?" said James, raising his eyebrows suggestively as Lily rolled her eyes.

"Oh shit!" said Remus, who was staring at James, mesmerised.

"What?" said Sirius, who wasn't facing James, grinning wickedly. "Don't tell me, did Lily just slay him? What'd she say?"

"Well, did you know that when a male turkey struts, the snood engorges with blood and extends to hang down over its beak?" said Remus lightly, scratching the back of his neck.

"What?" said Sirius, whirling around and gawking at James. "Fucking Merlin!"

James had a self-satisified smirk, turkey wing leaning jauntily against the wall, saying something supposedly witty as Evans looked at him with eyes as big as saucers. The red snood under his chin had puffed up to a gigantic size. Unfortunately, James remained entirely unaware of this.

"Huh," James said, ruffling his hair again, and arching his left eyebrow suggestively. "My charisma and conversational prowess have stunned you into complete silence, Evans, am I right?"

Lily's eyes shifted from James' neck to his face and she bit her lower lip, eyes bubbling with mischief.

"Potter, you… your neck!" she peeled, doubled up with mirth, tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

"Sorry, James! Too funny!" Dorcas could hardly speak.

"What?" said James, looking confused.

Sirius strolled over, pulled him aside and transfigured his glove into a mirror.

"That!" he said, patting James' shoulder and barking a laugh.

"Oh for fuck's sake! Sweet Merlin's pants!" said James with horror, trying to touch his neck with his wing tip. "Fucking bloody fucking…"

"Potter, how stunningly attractive," a nasal voice sneered. "Great photo for the 5th Year collage page in the Year Book!"

James' head shot up in fright as Snape clicked the shutter, camera pressed in front of his thin chest, a gloating smile on his waxy face. A photo emerged from underneath the camera box – James, looking like a complete idiot, staring shell-shocked at the camera, and Lily Evans laughing at him.

James tried to smile. It came out wrong. He opened his mouth and closed it.

He looked over at Lily and she was now looking at him with… yeah, definitely with pity.

Wonderful. Lily Evans could now add pathetic to the long list of negative attributes relating to James Potter…

"Fuck off, Snivellus," he sighed, shooting Snape a filthy look.

He picked up the basket and forced himself to waddle (in a dignified fashion) past them both, cheeks burning, standing beside the "Support St. Mungo's Combat Injuries Ward" poster.

….

"You think it'll work?" asked Remus quietly.

"Absolutely! Genius idea, Moony old boy! Perfection!" said Sirius, regarding Remus with bright eyes and an awestruck expression.

"Right," said Remus, clearing his throat and wishing he didn't fancy his beautiful friend so badly and so hopelessly. "We'll soon find out."

A throng of seventh year Ravenclaws milled in front of James.

"Jolly decent of you, Potter, to agreed to this idea," said Juliet Wildsmith, depositing a heavy purse full of galleons into James' basket and taking two full raffle ticket books. "Great job!"

She flashed him a blindingly bright smile, all blonde waves and dancing blue eyes.

"Huh?" he stammered, watching as the other five girls did likewise.

"Good luck, I hope you make a ton of money!" Juliet added, smiling at him as she plucked a feather off his back.

"What the?" muttered James, rubbing his forehead fretfully.

"Good luck!" Rowena Ollivander simpered, pulling a feather off his shoulder.

He glanced down and saw that the transfiguration spell had disappeared and in its place was his bare shoulder.

"Great work, Potter!"

"You're so impressive!"

"Great cause too!"

Each girl removing a feather as they left.

"Moony's idea," said Sirius, coming up behind James and smirking wickedly.

"What idea?" said James warily. "I can't stand any more embarrassment for one day!"

"Far from embarrassing, Prongs!" said Sirius loftily, waving his wand at the altered poster and smiling to himself with satisfaction. "Moony's getting you out of that hideous turkey look, the more donations you get, the more your sexy torso gets exposed, all for a great cause. And whoever pulls the winning raffle ticket gets to bring you on a hot date to Hogsmeade."

"You're joking?" said James, staring at Remus in disbelief.

"Shut up, it's working, Prongs, clearly," scoffed Sirius, as more students came over and the donations in the basket heaped up steadily. "Your striptease is proving extremely popular!"

"You're objectifying me!" hissed James, who was in a bad mood. "Also, I'm bloody freezing my arse off here!"

"Your arse is completely modest, you idiot! You're wearing jeans!" snorted Sirius, looking unbothered, and casually hurling a heating charm in his general direction, missing him entirely. "And if you don't think that St. Mungo's is worth exposing your six pack for, then I'm extremely disappointed in you."

"I'll do it if you really mind so much," said Remus, looking at James uncomfortably and feeling guilty. "I'm sorry, I thought-"

He really, really did not want the entire school staring at his scarred chest, and back, and arms, but…

"No, it's fine, Merlin, don't give it another thought, Moony!" said James hurriedly, seeing his friend's face. "I don't mind at all, I was only joking!"

"Of course he doesn't mind, Moony, he's a big-headed git, he loves showing off his Quidditch bod!" said Sirius, ducking as James stuck out his tongue and aimed a large apple at his face.

"Only one raffle ticket left!" said Peter, sounding impressed.

"I'll take that, thank you."

James turned around and blushed profusely.

"Er, Evans, fancy seeing you again," he croaked, avoiding eye contact and fiddling with the ticket in his hand.

"Er, sorry about earlier, Potter, Severus was being mean," Lily said, scuffing the toes of her shoe awkwardly.

"Yeah, it's fine," James grunted, running his hand through his hair again.

"I managed to get this though," Lily said, handing him the embarrassing photograph.

As he watched, the photo wilted into a scrunched-up leaf.

"Oh, thanks, Evans," James looked up to catch Lily staring at him.

Her cheeks infused prettily and she hastily looked away.

"We had a row about it," she said. "Don't bring it up if you see him."

"I won't," he reassured her, a pleasant warmth settling in his chest.

Lily handed him a sickle and he tore off the last raffle ticket and handed it to her.

"Ooh! Electric shock!" Lily said, as their fingers touched briefly.

It had to be a good thing, electricity was expensive, right, even if he'd forgotten exactly what it was? She was gorgeous, all wrapped up in her cosy woollen teal cloak with the faux fur hood, her auburn hair the same colour as the bright red Virginia Creeper covering the castle walls, her pink lips full and inviting, her cheeks now a similar hue, he green eyes twinkling.

He shivered.

She leaned forwards and plucked the last remaining feather from his shoulder, her fingers lingering on his skin.

"You must be cold," she said breathily.

She was definitely, one hundred percent staring at his six-pack.

"No, I'm good," he whispered in a low voice.

She lifted her wand and a heating charm spread gratefully across his chest, his own traitorous body spreading the heat lower.

"This, uh, in your hair.." she said, gently removing a stray feather from his hair.

"Right," he smiled, intoxicated by her.

"Knew you wouldn't be able to resist Prongs' natural beauty!" Sirius' delighted chuckle jerking them both apart.

Before James could retort, Mc Gonagall was striding over, a pleased smiled on her stern face.

"Excellent work, Mr. Potter," she said, looking at him proudly. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"

Sirius beamed at Remus.

"We're both geniuses, Moony," he said.

Remus regarded him impassively.

"Both?" he repeated, somewhat incredulously.

Sirius waved his arm imperiously and ignored him, looking pleased.

"And the first prize in the St. Mungo's raffle goes to… Lily Evans!" said Mc Gonagall, with a satisfied expression as she looked at Lily.

Snape, who had just materialised, looked on in horror. Sirius' smile grew impossibly wider.

"Er, you don't have to come, Evans," said James, rubbing his chin self-consciously as he looked at Lily's red face. "It's fine. It's not a … well, you know, it's for a good cause."

"Don't be rude, Evans!" said Sirius, flashing Lily a dashing grin. "We'll join you, Moony and I, to make it less awkward, won't we?"

Remus looked at Sirius like he had two heads.

"Don't be rude, Moony," Sirius said, clearing his throat hurriedly and pulling his jacket collar up, looking anxiously debonair.

"Professor Mc Gonagall, wouldn't this make an excellent photo for the Year Book?" asked Remus, stalling, innocently looking between her and Snape.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin, absolutely," said Mc Gonagall. "Mr. Snape, if you'd be so kind?"

Snape glared at Remus. Remus smiled back in an infuriatingly smug manner.

"But, Professor," he whined.

One look at Mc Gonagall's irritated face, and the picture was taken.

"Thank you," said Mc Gonagall, taking the photo and smiling at it absent-mindedly.

Snape stomped off looking murderous. James looked delighted.

"Well?" Sirius turned to Remus, looking at him pleadingly.

Well, he couldn't be rude, could he? And he found it physically impossible to say no to Sirius when he looked this attractive.

"Go on, it'll be fun, it's not, er, a real date," said James.

James had missed the slightly disappointed look that crossed Lily's face. Lily smiled at Remus encouragingly.

"It's not a real date," she repeated. "We'll all enjoy it!"

She slipped her arm through James' and looked at him expectantly. James looked terrified and ecstatic in equal measure, and was bound to make a mess of everything if left to his own devices…

"Alright," said Remus with a resigned sigh.

Sirius, however, caught the pleased smile hovering for seconds on Remus' lips and his heart soared.

"Excellent, Moony, excellent!" said Sirius, placing his arm through Remus' as though it were the most natural thing in the world. "Lead the way, Prongs!"

James grinned. He was going on a fake-date, for a good cause, a nearly-fucking-date, with Lily bloody Evans. And she seemed happy, she was smiling, for fuck's sake, smiling. He wasn't going to strut, dear Merlin! But if he had a cocky grin on his face, who could blame him?

The End (or the beginning…?)


End file.
